When scrolling through Black twitter, I always see countless links to articles from hoteps and hypocritically single people that give relationship advice. It’s always, how to be wifey material, why he hasn’t committed yet, how to avoid being his not-girlfriend, (blah, judgment & etc.).
However, personally I’ve always appreciated a mutually symbiotic situationship. If you are single there’s nothing wrong with having a fake boyfriend, someone you’re talking to, a booty call, an fwb, a flirty workbae, or even all of the above polyamorusly. The best part of being single is that you belong to no one and can do whatever you want, so not every date or DM has to lead to marriage (unless you want it to, but that’s another article for another day girl.)
So why do situationships get such a bad rap for ending in heartbreak, blowups and passive aggressive social media posts? A positive aspect is that casual relationships aren’t constricted to rules and guidelines, but this can also be its downfall.
While I am certainly not an expert at situationships, here are some tips on how to play the field without losing your sanity.
1. You scratch his back, he scratches yours
A casually relationship should be mutually beneficial. Meaning he should bring more to the table than simply good sex, nice cheekbones, or male attention. You guys are a team, meaning he should want to make you just as happy as you make him (which should be very.) I’m not saying to use people, but almost 50% of the world’s population has a dick, so he should be bringing more to the table than that. Is he giving you food, foreplay, or friendship? Find out what’s important to you. My personal favorites are honesty, consistency, and personality because who gets intimate with a horrible person?
I guess what I’m getting at is, people sometimes hate the person that their talking to, but stay because of sex (or attention.) The point of having casual relationships is to have fun. If someone with good sex does nothing but stresses you out, that doesn’t sound like fun to me.
2. Monogamy is for marriage.
Playing house doesn’t make you a homeowner; it makes you delusional. If you act like he’s your boyfriend, and you treat him like he’s your boyfriend, you may think that you’re simply in a label-less relationship. A fake relationship seems fun at first, but in actuality, it’s involves the possibility of a real heartbreak without any of real commitment in exchange.
Try dissecting the question you’ve been avoiding, why are you really not together. Are you afraid of the commitment you already have with one another? Are you ashamed of each other? Still keeping your options open for someone better? Stringing someone along, or are you being strung? If the answer isn’t positive on both ends, eventually you just have to call a spade a spade.
In the meantime, remember that you are still single. This means you answer to no one but yourself and can live your best life. Why would you commit to one person in this stage of your life? You’re young, you’re hot, you’re available. If you wanted to be monogamous, you might as well be in a real relationship. Don’t sell yourself short honey.
3. Gotta be on the same page
If you are sleeping together (or even if you’re not), you should be able to communicate with each other. Let your partner know what you want out of this, so that there are no surprises. You wouldn’t want to ride hard for your boo if he’s still keeping you under wraps.
What are your boundaries? Are you talking or just friends? Do you wave when you see each other in public? Is this a romantic thing? How heavy do you need to be talking? Or do you want your space? Make sure each person wants the same thing, so that no one gets hurt.
4. Use protection.
Duh. Self-explanatory, but it had to be said. Protect your mind, body, soul, heart, and self-esteem at all times.
5. Check Your Feelings at the Door
Know what you can handle. A common problem situationships is that one person catches feelings and the other person doesn’t. Always be authentic, but a good situationship doesn’t evoke negative or strong emotions. Save your serious feelings for a serious relationship. A causal relationship should be fun and carefree. If you feel like you can’t compartmentalize your emotions and always find yourself “catching feelings,” maybe this lifestyle isn’t for you. Instead of trying to conform to something you’re not, find a relationship that meets your needs.
6. Don’t settle
Don’t enter a situationship because you secretly want to be in a relationship but think you can’t find one. You will be thoroughly disappointed when your fuckboy doesn’t magically transform into prince charming. Be honest with yourself about what you want and go find it. Don’t expect your partner to act like what they’re not. Just because he’s not the one, doesn’t mean “the one” isn’t out there.
Whether a relationship, hookup, friendship, crush, or situationship, nothing should ever be toxic. If you feel used, scared, dirty, hidden or manipulated, you should leave asap. Again, casual relationships are supposed to be fun, so if it’s not, don’t be afraid to protect your heart and bounce. Don’t worry, there are tons of other dicks in the sea.
With these tips in your arsenal, have fun playing the field. Go on crappy dates, twerk on strangers, find a hobby, flirt with bad boys, and just have pure single boundless fun before your future boyfriend weighs you down. Plus if you ever get tired of being in a situationship, you can always just DTR (define the relationship).