How to be a great house guest to my vagina


Consent is sexy, and anyone that tries to tell you otherwise is an uneducated slice of pure garbage. In order to keep my readers from being trash in the sack, I thought I’d give you the run down on consent, (but not in a health 101 class type of way, I promise.)

If you attended a Catholic school like mine, a semi-elderly dress code monitor probably told you that “your body is a temple.” Despite the phrase’s good intentions, it sends the message that the more people you let into your temple, the less sacred your space is. Besides temples are a bit outdated. When is the last time you ran down to your local temple just for kicks? Instead, I’d like to think of my vagina like my cozy little college apartment. A less archaic place where I can be myself, feel secure, and that I can call my own.

Now some homeowners are extroverts. They thrive off of loud parties and love meeting new friends and letting tons of people in. Others are introverts, and they’d rather just stay home alone for a solo night of Netflix. The extrovert might call the introvert a loner, and the introvert might think that the extrovert is a party animal. But it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about how you choose to run your home. There is no right or wrong way to enjoy a Saturday night, as long as the homeowner is in control. If you’re like me, you are a complex individual. One day you may be in the mood for a kickback and the next you just want to be alone. That’s okay as well. Having multiple sides to your personality doesn’t make you any less exciting or wholesome. It makes you human. So relax. It’s your home, so invite whoever and however many people you want.

As a more laid person, I’m not a huge party person. When I do throw kickbacks, I don’t just invite anyone. If you plan on coming over, it’s mandatory that you follow my house rules, so listen closely.

1) Invitations are essential, not optional

Don’t you dare come waltzing into my house without an invitation. No one likes an unwanted guest. Oh, and inviting yourself over just reeks of desperation. If you’re dying to come over, but I’m not feeling it, don’t try to coerce your own party at my house if you know I’d rather not entertain you. Respect my boundaries.

Just because I invited you last weekend doesn’t mean you now live here or that you can come and go as you please. Even if you’re here every day, so much so that you practically live here, remember that you don’t. No one can just come into my house and pretend like they own it without paying any bills. Your name isn’t on the lease boo, so stop playing pretend at my crib.

2) Under my roof, you live under my rules, not yours.

Inviting you into my house does not mean that I basically asked for you to secretly rummage through medicine cabinet without my knowledge. Giving you permission to walk through the door doesn’t mean that you can just go through my fridge and eat up all my food. I’m not here to serve you, we’re both here to keep each other company as a unit. Now if you’re lucky I may share a meal with you, but nothing should ever be assumed. So, if you’re hungry and not sure about whether or not you can grab a snack, just ask.

3) Respect my home.

Vandalism is trifling, so don’t spray graffiti on the walls or spill stains on the floor. I would never let someone come into my house and disrespect me. There are no negative vibes allowed to infiltrate my safe space. Don’t tell me that my house is inadequate. My house isn’t meant to look pretty for you. I can paint the walls bright flamingo pink if I want to, let dirty dishes pile up in the sink, or fill the halls with apple cinnamon candles. Whatever I want because it’s my house. My house doesn’t need your validation so your opinion won’t decrease its property value.

4) Breaking and entering isn’t cute

Maybe after I night of drinking, I forgot to lock the door. You still shouldn’t barge in while I’m passed out. Even if I invited you over earlier in the night, you should never be in my house without my knowledge. How scary is it to wake up hung over to some creepy guy hovering next to you in your own home? Why would you want to come over if I’m not awake to entertain you anyways? You should want to be around me in my best sober self.

If I am sober and awake, still never forget to knock. No one should ever be in my house without my knowledge.

5) Don’t betray my trust

Burglary is a crime, and it’s also morally abominable. If you have the audacity to break into my house while I’m not home, you are a disgrace. No one should rob me of anything within my home, self respect, pride, emotional wellbeing, health, social status. I should never have to worry about anything being taken away from me, and if you do steal something I am not to blame. No matter how friendly my cute welcome mat may look in front of my door. I’m not asking for it; you’re a burglar.

6) Invitations can be given, and they can also be revoked

If I invite you over, I’m allowed to cancel before you get there. And if I’m tired and I change the mind about you staying the night, I can ask you to leave even if you’re already there. I’m allowed to change my mind because you guessed it, it’s my house.

If I choose to invite you over, I must think highly of you and that you’re special. Not special in a let’s sign the lease kind of way, but special enough to know that you’re not about to come over just to murder me in my sleep or steal all my shit. And yes, there are times when I’ve left the door unlocked and woken up to missing valuables. It doesn’t mean that I was stupid, it makes him a horrible house guest at best and at least a thief. Remember both robbery and breaking and entering are illegal, so if you’re unsure of the rules, never be afraid to just ask.

If you’re lucky enough to get invited to my humble abode, wipe your feet on the mat and don’t forget to knock before I let you in.


Drew Barrymore








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