If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, mine should have 9 levels like Dante’s inferno. Despite the smile on my face, your girl has been done dirty time and time again. If you are a true fan of my poems, tweets, or dark sense of humor you probably:
A. Are a close friend of mine because let’s be real, I’m way too awkward to develop a following. Or maybe you’re an ex that’s stalking me for nostalgia. (I like to live with the delusion that they all are secretly reveling in their aintshitness by refreshing my social media pages and crying into miserable bowls of rum raisin ice cream. I warned you that my humor was dark and shady.)
B. More importantly, you probably already know that I am no stranger to betrayal.
I am like a magnet for heartbreak because I am the perfect person to betray in the first place. Confession, I have a bad habit of putting people on pedestals only to be blindsided when they aren’t perfect. Another confession, I give way too many second chances. These are my confessions (usher voice), I unconditionally love the people that I simultaneously hate even when they don’t deserve it. Friends, relationships, family, people I barely know but am afraid to let down, it doesn’t matter; I can’t help it.
Even when someone does me catastrophically wrong, I can always find the good in them. Maybe compassion is one my biggest strengths, but maybe it’s also my downfall. Maybe it’s not healthy. Maybe empathizing with your enemies just makes you an emotionally gullible weaker opponent (aka a doormat.)
Lately, I’ve been facing the challenge of forgiving people who frankly aren’t sorry. I’ve been relinquishing the last word to those who are blind to their own faults. I struggled to turn the other cheek to ex-lovers’ dishonesties and disappointments. I learned to love my frenemies from a distance knowing it’s unrequited, but it was a hard lesson. I’ve debated whether deadbeats deserve to be back in my life without an apology for the reason why they were dead to me in the first place. Do any of these people deserve me? Debatable. Do I deserve the burden of being bitter because of their actions? It’s a slippery slope.
The ‘should I forgive someone who sure as hell isn’t sorry’ debate escalated after I met someone that redefined betrayal. I considered *Voldemort to be a friend, and he abused the privilege in ways that are vile and bewildering. He violated my trust, my soul, and my spirit in ways that were once intangible to my gullible nature before he tried to break me. Like I said earlier, I am no stranger to being done dirty. However, no amount of heartbreak or disaster could have prepared me for the what *Voldemort took from me.
At first, I thought forgiving him was a way to take it back. I told myself he’s ultimately a good person, so it wasn’t his fault. Then who’s fault was it? I ended up blaming myself for everything that he did to me. It wasn’t fair. He got to commit the crime of hurting me, and I was punishing myself for what he did.
Then I thought that maybe I was too forgiving and decided that I would hate him. However again, I was the only one hurting. I was the only one stuck in rage while he was off living his life completely unaffected by my disdain. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
So what’s the verdict? Should you forgive someone that’s not sorry? I think there is a happy medium. Submerging your pain under unrequited fake smiles will not give you a sense of justice. Not everyone wants or even deserves your forgiveness. Ultimately you have to remember that forgiveness is sometimes for you to heal, and has nothing to do with the other person. Don’t let someone else’s negativity ruin your compassionate, empathetic spirit that sees the good in the world amidst its demons. My verdict is it’s always okay to forgive if it gives you peace, but forgiving never means forgetting.
I’m not going to excuse anyone’s behavior or welcome toxic people back into my life with open arms. Again some people don’t deserve my heart, and they have to live with the consequences of their actions. I’m not going to pretend my feelings aren’t hurt and suppress my true sentiments. My version of forgiveness means that I can still have those feelings, but not be consumed by them. Never let someone else leave you the burden of suffering from the aftermath of what they did.
I wish them the best (well let’s not lie, pettily I wish them a long neutral existence), as long as that wish stays far the hell away from me.
*The following name has been changed. (Duh, but how cool would that be if someone actually named their kid Voldemort? Well not for the kid if he identifies more with a sweet little protagonist like Harry.) For the future, I’m using stories with aliases. This guy is not my favorite, so he doesn’t deserve one. He forever will be he-who-will-not-be-named-because-he-hasn’t-earned-the-right-to-occupy-my-memories, but that’s too long. Thus we’ll shorten his lack of a name to Voldemort. Be on the lookout for him and more of my crazy characters in future posts. For more background info about him click here.