“I considered *Voldemort to be a friend, and he abused the privilege in ways that are vile and bewildering. He violated my trust, my soul, and my spirit in ways that were once intangible to my gullible nature before he tried to break me,” was the way I introduced this clown in my last post. Sheesh. With an intro like that, I’m sure that you guys have a million questions, so I chose to clarify six of them. Here’s the tea on who is Voldemort and what makes him so evil?
Q: Wow your ex must have really hurt you to give him a name like that. Are you really going to be petty and put all his business out there like that?
Voldemort is not my most recent ex, nor an ex at all. I just thought that’d I’d clarify to appease the nosy mutual friends my ex and still have. If you’re lurking through to find the juice about my breakup, any story involving Voldemort is not the best case to look. I could not in good conscious air out anyone’s dirty laundry unanonymously. It’s not that I’m opposed to showcasing their shit stains, but I can’t give too many obvious hints about who the owner of the dirty panties is. I’m not out here to humiliate anyone or make them feel targeted, especially without their consent.
Q: Not opposed? I’m a messy chick that lives for drama, so can I expect more stories about guys with aliases?
Yes, guys, girls, exes, friends, people I observe from afar, my life is filled with characters that I want to share with my audience. No one is safe. Be prepared for a full cast of anonymous tomfoolery and all the life lessons I’ve learned from them.
Q: If he’s not your ex than who is he?
Voldemort is a hotep. He says things about women like “don’t be fast food, not soul food” when he himself has the nutritional value of an unseasoned dry genetically modified chicken nugget found in the dumpster behind a McDonalds. He’s an activist for Black lives matter because he’s worried about his own Black life but still doesn’t try to understand feminism or LGBT rights. Like Steve Harvey, he has advice for women on how to keep a man, with little to offer himself as a man who is bad in bed and has a bad attitude. Voldemort is childish and still has a lot of growing up to do.
Voldemort is a “nice guy.” As in you think he’s nice, but it’s really all a facade to get into your pants. He thinks being your friend entitles him to pieces of you. He is a predator but hides it underneath great jokes and a warm smile.
Voldemort is imperfect. He makes mistakes. He’s easy to fall for, so easy to fall for that you almost don’t notice the negative qualities I described above until it’s too late. He’s tall, handsome, hilarious, charismatic, and easy to talk to. Voldemort was someone that I considered a friend for years until I experienced the totality of his imperfections.
Q: Why did you and your real ex break up? What’s your status now? What was your relationship like now? How are you dealing with it? Where are all the funny juicy quirky stories? You have to give us something.
A: Stay tuned, keep reading, it’s on the way. It’s not something I could simplify into one post. I also need to figure out a way to do it anonymously and stay classy with it. Also, it’s very personal and fresh, so I have to work up to content like that. However, I do think that my readers deserve the right to learn from what I’ve been through and grow with me. Hopefully, if you actively read this blog (you probably don’t, but fingers crossed) you can kind of read between the lines. Plus, I like to keep you on the edge of your seats with such a cliffhanger. (If you want to see more specific content, feel free to make a request.)
Q: What did Voldemort do to make you hate him so much?
I don’t hate him, I could never hate anyone. Some of the stories I’m going to share aren’t even that bad. They can be funny, enlightening, amusing, or just down right strange. However, I’m sure that you are dying to know what he did wrong. Again, you have to stay tuned, keep reading, it’s on the way.
Q: Why did you pick the alias Voldemort?
Obviously, that’s not really his name. (Duh, but how cool would that be if someone named their kid Voldemort? Well not for the kid if he identifies more with a sweet little protagonist like Harry.) This guy is not my favorite, so he doesn’t deserve one. He forever will be he-who-will-not-be-named-because-he-hasn’t-earned-the-right-to-occupy-my-memories, but that’s too long. Thus, we’ll shorten his lack of a name to Voldemort. Be on the lookout for him and more of my crazy characters in future posts.